CODENAME: Slappy, Cosmic Renegade
by 40-Axis
Summary: Enter Slappy, a mysterious being forged in the heavens, descends upon the planet in a once every millennium event. The earth's gone bad, and she is sent with one mission; fix everything. Save the Earth from it's inevitable demise. It dosen't look like it, but the end is nigh. It will require bravery, friendship, and hope to achieve her goal, but the end is the least of her worries.


One day, there was a building. It was a crudely drawn building that looked more like someone scribbled a rectangle and drew a few windows in a few seconds. In fact, the whole area looked much that way. The whole area looked much like that. Even the ground was basically a single line slashed across the screen. Nothing was even colored in, aside from the characters you will meet and some of the objects. There was also nothing in the background but whiteness.

A hoverboard flew in and crashed into a nearby lamppost. The hoverboard fell to the ground and caught fire. The rider didn't care. She was a sentient... thing? She looked a little bit like a floating... flower, but with two petals and eyes on her petal... things. She lazily floated off the burning remains of the hoverboard and entered the building.

In the building, there was a chair and a ticking clock, and nothing else. She floated into the chair and sat in it. There was a desk in front of the chair, and a floating tie was sitting at it.

"...Hey." said the tie.

"Hey-o," replied the girl. Her voice was sweet yet mellow and laid-back, as if she didn't give a crap.

The clock continued to ticks were the only noise present for five seconds. The tie shifted his eyes down, and back up at this girl that just entered his building before proceeding.

"...What can I do for you-"

"What can I do for _you_?" the girl replied, smiling coyly.

"...What do you do-"

"EV-everything." The girl lazily tiled her chair backwards and lay peacefully, closing her eyes. The clock kept ticking as the Tie waited for her to pay attention again. Suddenly, it began ticking backwards.

"...Everything is... a lot of things."

The girl took her free time answering.

"Maybe. I don't know."

The clock kept ticking, alternating between fast and slow beats.

"...So you can help-"

"To whatever you were going to say, yes, 'cause my name, it is Slappy, and I am the embodiment of positivity and happiness everywhere."

"...Cool story." The Tie was being sarcastic.

"You know it," said Slappy.

And with that, another very totally awkward silence filled up the room. Nothing was heard but the omnipresent ticking of "the night clock."

"...You. Fine young girl. You may want this job."

"Yeh." Slappy was staring up at the ceiling.

"...But you need a bit more on your resume than "embodiment of positivity and happiness" to qualify for a job."

"...Deep," said Slappy.

Tie straightened himself. "So prove you can help me-"

"I just helped you."

Awkward silence filled the room again.

"...Are you high?"

"...Not high enough."

The Tie looked at Slappy for a long time.

"You know... we have a no drugs policy... but I admire your honesty. You get the job."

The Tie tossed a small slip of paper with a crude scribble that said "I am Winner" at Slappy. It flew down right next to Slappy. This was very clearly a stupid prize; but since she was Slappy, this slip fulfilled her abnormally low requirements for happiness. Thus, she was happy.

"Also," continued the tie, "I feel it worth mentioning... no one else is here, so there wasn't any real competition. But hey... a job you won... is a job you won... I guess... okay."

5 second pause.

"Happy girl. Before... Before I change... my mind... go to the city... pick up my client. Birth tag, Sunglasses. Gold-ass chain, Sunglasses. Everything. Sun-glasses."

Slappy was eating the edge of her winner paper.

"Who?"

"How should I know." The Tie stared straight ahead, facial expression unchanging... maybe because he had no mouth or nose. "But he is a pair of goddamn sunglasses. Clearly, he is aw-sum beyond belief. So... I won't forgive you should you fail this daunting task, peasant."

Even though Slappy stopped listening before he even spoke, she lazily nodded and chomped the paper again.

"More.. paper..." Slappy began to float over to Tie's desk.

Tie was unfazed. "Yeah. But how about this."

Somehow, Tie forcefully lifted the piece of paper out of Slappy's hand. He rummaged in his desk for something. Slappy sat back in her seat, eyes shifted back and forth fo 10 seconds. Tie got a pin. He used it as a pin, to pin the paper to Slappy's chest.

"There. Now everyone knows, you are the one and only winner at this job. Happy?"

"Yeah... I'm always happy, though. Does that count?"

"...Only if I want it to."

Slappy said nothing.

"...I am god. I am Tie. Tie is God. Tie is me. Understand? I won't go third person again unless you ask. Don't want to have to delete you."

Slappy fell out of her chair.

"Good. Now... do something."

"I have a job."

"Yes, you do, miss embodiment of happiness, yes you do. Now back up. Your breath reeks of liquor."

"...I'm glad you noticed." Slappy sprawled out that sentence in a sexy monotone.

"...I'm going to fire you soon. You may want to do something before you get fired. Anything that isn't you talking to me would be a start."

* * *

_Outside the office_

Slappy sat outside. She did have a job, but jobs are boring. She was watching the hoverboard from earlier burn to a crisp.

Five seconds passed. The hoverboard burned up.

Five more seconds passed. The hoverboard burned up.

"Come on... burn faster..."

Slappy's partner in... not really crime, but not exactly goodwill either showed up. He was a shapeshifter who was currently in the form of a steering wheel. He has no name of his own, so he just adopts the name of whatever object he transforms into. so that was his name right about now. Which is, Steering Wheel.

"What you doing, girl?" said Steering Wheel.

"I am staring deeply into the fire..." said Slappy. "...It is speaking."

Steering Wheel saw the hoverboard. "Daaamn."

"I know." Slappy didn't turn around.

"Your hoverboard is dead. Need a lift?"

"Nah." Slappy snorted. "Don't have a place to be... I do need gasoline."

"'Kay." Steering Wheel shapeshifted into a can of gasoline. His name changed to Gasoline. Because he turned into gasoline. "What now?"

A few seconds later, the hoverboard was less than ashes. The two high friends were watching intensely. So intense that they caught firez. Gasoline turned into a puddle of water to put himself out. Slappy took a little more time to realize she was dying. She can't shapeshift, so she was in a bit of trouble.

"What the..." Slappy started chuckling and chuckling and chuckilng. "Am I dying a-" She chuckled again. "...A painful death?"

Water began to laugh too. "You're totally on fire right now, girl!"

The two of them began laughing even harder. And harder. Their laughs grew louder and flame burns harder for a whole half minute before they calm down.

"Hey..." Water glanced at the paper on Slappy's chest, the one that said "I am winner."

"Yeah?" Slappy's voice grew fainter, 'cause she was still burning.

"You are winner, huh?"

"Huh... yes." She remembered where she got that paper... which lead to her remembering she has a job. She saddened. "Aw, sorry man. Work. I'll probably be on fire some other time. Maybe next week. Sign me up, I'll be Burning Girl."

That made Water laugh more. "You have work? A real job?" He laughed again.

"Yeah," said Slappy. "Hey, want to hang?

"...But you have work-"

"DID have work. Now I'm going truant to join my pal on a fun day in town."

Water smiled. Slappy passed out from the burns.

"Slappy... Oh, crap."

Water saved the day. He hopped up and down over his downed friend. After several leaps, the flames were put out and Slappy awakened.

"W... What happened...?" said Slappy.

"Y-you were dying, but I saved you. I helped you."

The words "helped you" echoed in Slappy's head multiple times, for... some reason. Whatever. She didn't pay any mind to it. Instead, she... vomited profusely. Water was indifferent. This was basically a normal thing by this point. The vomit fell back on top of Slappy, covering her entierly. She then rolled over, and vomited some more. Water looked at his watch.

"Now."

Slappy stopped vomiting. Water prepared to say something, but quickly forgot what he was going to say. Because out the corner of his eye, he saw... a floating, sentient pair of sunglasses. He kept looking left and right, as if waiting for an escort.

"Yo," said water.

Yes, he was correct, there was a pair of sunglasses a few feet away looking for an escort. And yes, this was Tie's client. Slappy, though, didn't care much about her performance right about now.

"Slappy. Slappy. Hey." Water slapped Slappy lightly. "Slappy. Slappy. Hey, Slappy." Slappy slowly awakened.

"Huh... oh... my head... hey man." She yawned, and got right back up. "What's happening..."

"That guy over there is a pair of sunglasses. You can tell by his sunglasses-ness. Give me a minute."

Water continued to stare at the sunglasses. Eventually, the sunglasses noticed.

"What the hell are you looking at?" Sunglasses spoke in a deep, musical voice reminiscent of Little Wayne that somehow, was autotuned (like, T-Pain levels of autotune).

"This is a nice party," said Water.

Sunglasses arched his eyebrows at Water's nonsensical statement.

"Hey," said Slappy. "I think you are... Wait, don't help me... Jesus."

"...Well..." Sunglasses paused. "I am richer. Than J-Man. I'm rich, boy. BUT, I have a client who's SUPPOSED to be taking me to a meeting with a tie... but that was 30 minutes ago. Said the escort was a new boy... Yeah, seems 'bout right."

Coincidentally, Slappy's job was to escort Sunglasses. What she said next was not a result of her wanting to do good at her job (she had forgotten about her client and her job long ago), but her respect and admiration for this beautiful pair of Sunglasses. "Hey man. I... I could give you a lift." Sunglasses hesitated briefly. "Ah, what the heck. Before would have been better... but before's over."

Slappy nodded approvingly. "Water." She turned to Water.

Water morphed into a Hoverboard. His name changed to Hoverboard.

"Hop on," said Hoverboard. He floated over to Sunglasses.

"Yes." Slappy motioned to Hoverboard. "Leap on Hoverboard."

Sunglasses was confused. "Wasn't his name Water-"

"He is a hoverboard, so I refer to him as Hoverboard now."

* * *

_The sky_

Slappy and Sunglasses were riding Hoverboard across the sky. The peaceful, white sky. Slappy and Hoverboard were content, but Sunglasses, not so much.

"...Y'got food?... Drink?... Money?"

"I am charging you by the word. Did I forget to tell you that?" Slappy turned back around.

"...Damn, you really starting to bum me out, girl... It's cold out here, bruh. You could start a fire... with money."

"Sure." Hoverboard liked that idea. "I'm cold.

Hoverboard morphed into a 1 Dollar Bill (Not even a 10?) and his name became 1 Dollar Bill. Since money can't fly, he, Slappy, and Sunglasses fell down a long ways and then crashed onto the sidewalk stiffly, simply hitting the ground and falling backwards without any noise. Except Slappy. She fell into the street. A car ran over her. It was the slowest car out there, one anybody could dodge... unless they were so stoned they could barely function. She got hit by 4 more equally slow cars, a runaway bicycle, a dog, a flying splotch of oil, and a loose piece of scrap paper.

"Oh my god," said a Pedestrian. "She has died."

Slappy was not dead. Of course, nobody would be dead after what happened, but still.

"I'm not dead... Just... high..."

She took out a pistol with her nonexistant hand and fired it into the air. It hit a flying bird, and it slowly flew out of the sky. It didn't bleed or anything, just dropped.

Awkward pause. Ten seconds-infinity.

"Sunglasses... Y-you like sex?"

"Damn yeah! But why do you ask? Sure ain't into you."

"Oh man... sucks for you... Do your stuff, 1 Dollar Bill."

"Gun show." 1 Dollar Bill followed up his statement by morphing into a camera. Obviously, his name changed to Camera. "Camera in the hood."

"Double down." Slappy picked up Camera. "Follow me, rich guy."

Sunglasses complied, because why not.

* * *

_Building_

The building Slappy and co were in was completely empty and vacant, save a window and a white bed. Sunglasses sat on the bed, and Slappy was currently fiddling with Camera for the best settings;

"4K HD... shoot. Ready Sunglasses."

Sunglasses was reconsidering his "why not" thought process.

"...Are you kidding me-"

"Action."

Slappy lazily hurled a nude Barbie Doll onto the bed. It floated slowly and lightly bounced off Sunglasses' head, landing very close behind him.

"Come on."

"...Nooooo. Now, why the hell is a Barbie Doll sitting on the bed behind me?"

"It is time you meet your final destiny. French kiss the Barbie Doll."

Pause.

"I-I..."

Slappy narrowed her eyes. "Hop on that Barbie Doll's inviting body. Hope for third base... but you won't get there," she droned in even more of a deadpan monotone than normal.

"...You sick skeeze... This is pretty cool."

A security guard appeared out of nowhere.

"Ma'm, you cannot film here-" started the Security Guard

"You are now the Barbie Doll, in body, spirit, and mind. Be the Barbie Doll. Take off the shirt and reveal you're a superhero." Slappy didn't miss a beat.

"...I mean..." Sunglasses hesitated for five seconds. "All this space is amazing-"

"Kiss 'er. Sqeeze 'er."

"...I rather be doin' this than meeting my client... but my client... is super strict..." Sunglasses grumbled under his breath. "He's lame, but he helps pay for my checks, and I done made so much money it's nonstoppin', so I NEED to listen to him."

Slappy was rather indifferent. "Come on... Connect with the Barbie doll on a deep level-"

"No."

"Bu-"

"NO."

"Bu-"

"NO."

Slappy kept floating up and down for a few seconds.

"Ok ay. You are fired." She nodded at Camera.

Camera morphedinto a flamethrower. His name became Flamethrower.

"Light me." said Flamethrower.

Slappy lifted Flamethrower, and pushed the trigger halfway. "This show has been cancelled."

"...Wait..." Sunglasses realized. "Oh, no. Oh, HELL no."

The bed exploded. The explosion destroyed the bed and killed Sunglasses. Part of his left side soared towards the sky, blasted into Slappy's face.

"Something smells like chicken."

"Yes, Flamethrower... Oh crap. We just blew up a bed. With fire. We're going to have to get job-s to cover the fact we burn beds."

"Like what?" Flamethrow falls out of Slappy's hands.

"Hmm."

They walked outside. (Or, in flamethrower's case, hopped.)

Slappy looked ahead of her. "We could become..."

She saw the building where she was hired.

"...Bank Robbers. That's a job, right?"

"It could be if we believe," said Flamethrower to Slappy.

"Yup. Let's go in that bank."

Slappy and Flamethrower enter the bank. It is a rich bank. Richer than an-eye other bank. Teller was floating name of Eyeball. A floating eye-balls was the teller.

"Hiiiii. Welcome. to. the. bank. We. have. mo. ney. We. have. plenty. of. mon. ey. How. can. I. help. you."

"We're looking for new jobs." Slappy fell on her face

"What. Type. Of. Jobs."

"We'd like jobs as bank robbers," said Slappy.

Dead silence. Eyeball, Slappy, and Flamethrower just stood and occasionally blinked. 5 seconds later...

"You. Are. Hi. Ered."

"Cool." Flamethrower hopped onto the desk.

"How. much. Mon. Eye. Would. You. Like. To. Take. Today."

"A lot." Slappy's answer was simple. "Make that... too much."

The hungry Eyeball flew over to the large, black, vault door and used his undersized stick figure hands to open the vault. There was money inside it.

"Neat." Slappy and Flamethrower moved in the vault."

"Flamethrower."

Flame-thrower morphed into Hoverboard again. "Ready to fly." Hoverboard lifted up. Slappy dropped bags of moneyz onto Hoverboard. She gets greedy and after the 4th bag, Hoverboard falls over from very too much weight.

"Damn," said Slappy.

"We did good enough for today. Don't think there's a quality filter for robbing a bank... right?" Hoverboard's eyes arched to Eyeball.

Eyeball gave a half-assed nod in response, not paying attention.

"Great. Time to plan our escape. Hoverboard. Look icy."

Hoverboard flew through the door and busted a hole through it. Which was not locked. Slappy floated towards the door and stopped. She front-flipped forward and fired multiple bullets through the door when she went back on the ground. It fell down and she went out the door to the outside on the sidewalk."

* * *

_Out_

Slappy and Hoverboard were outside, looking at their money bags.

"Slappy. What do we do with all this money."

"Hmmm..."

Slappy picked up a bag of money and showed it to a pedestrian sitting on a bench. "Wanna kiss my money?"

"Help me."

"Hey, let's go to that place."

The place Slappy was talking about was a decrepit old diner. You couldn't really tell because it was just as simply and crudely drawn as everything else. It's sign had an egg frying part of himself in a frying pan. The caption was "Mmm."

"Sure."

* * *

_Diner_

Slappy and Hoverboard were the only people who went to the diner that day. Slappy went to the counter. A perky strip of Bacon was floating over the counter to take orders.

"Hello!" Bacon smiled at Slappy. "Would you like to buy anything?"

"Yup. We're rich," said Slappy.

"...Uh, yes, I noticed the bags of money you guys were dragging in.

"They are very big," said Hoverboard."

Bacon nodded. She turned back to Slappy. "...What do you two want?"

"...You don't want to hear the story of the money-" started Slappy.

"No."

Slappy paused. After ten seconds, she resumed speaking. "...The usual."

"Already done for ya, spaz. What about you... MK-47?"

"No, I was MK-47 yesterday. I'm a Hoverboard now."

"...You know what, it don't matter. What do you want, Slappy's friend?"

"You know me. I'll eat whatever's left over."

Bacon pulls out a tray with Slappy's usual: A piece of pepperoni pizza, a large strawberry soda and a side of fries. Slappy opens up her mouth and then starts to inhale everything like a freaky Kirby, including the tray.

"That'll be... let's see here... Bacon squinted at the menu, although because of the artstyle, her eyes looked exactly the same as they would in any other scenario. "...20 dollars."

"Tell you what."

Slappy reopened her mouth and vomited up everything she just ate. It all is exactly identical to what it looked like before it got eaten.

"...Come again."

Slappy didn't leave. "Hey the stage is open." She flew onstage and grabbed the microphone.

"Joke. Joke. Joke. Punchline."

She dropped the mic. A police hat hopped right next to the stage. He was on duty as a police guy, but he was being completely non-serious and chuckling lamely every other second, so if you guessed he was a police man, you smart.

"Hey. (chuckle) Police." Police Hat kept laughing every other word. "I-I'm a p-p-police gu... guy!" He laughed really hard. "M-man, who are _YOU_?!" He kept inanely chuckling, then fell flat on his back, right next to Hoverboard, who had passed out on the floor.

"Who are _YOU_?" Slappy joined him in his beautiful stoned laughter.

"Heyyy..." Police Hat righted himself. "Those giant bags of money look like they came from a bank! A very (snorts) rich bank... Wish I could chat, but I'm examining a bank robbery. Bummer, hmm?"

"Really?" said Slappy. "That's very sad..." She sniffed sadly.

Police Hat didn't listen. He had frozen solid. He stared at the bags of money. He hopped towards one bag of stolen money. He took a long, solid glance. He turned to Slappy and Hoverboard.

"Hmm... You must have good jobs to pay for bags of money that look just like the ones from the bank!" He laughed again. "You guys are awesome."

"Yup," said Slappy.

"Like, REALLY awesome."

"Yup," said Slappy.

"Like, REALLY REALLY awesome."

"Yup," said Slappy.

"Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome."

"Yup," said Slappy.

"Like, REALLY REALLY REALLY awesome."

"Your gun looks awesome. Does it work."

"Hmmm..."

Police Hat hopped in front of Bacon and cocked his shotgun. Bacon held her hands up in the air. Police Hat fired, blasting the upper half of her body off and killing her. Xs in her eyes. (Worth nothing that this was much less gruesome than the description implies, and honestly looked pretty comical. Guess you just had to be there.)

"Yep, it works."

"Awesome," said Slappy. "That was like a movie in front of my eyes."

Hoverboard coughed. But he wasn't conscious.

"You're right. We better get going." Slappy hopped on Hoverboard's back, waking him up. "Let's go."

* * *

_Outside_

Slappy was riding on Hoverboard outside. She was going... actually, she had no idea. Same as always.

"We spent 20 dollars in that diner. We need another job that will get us 20 dollars."

"W-what about that one?" said Hoverboard.

"Hmm?"

They were back at the building where Slappy got hired. Tie forgot to take the "Hiring" sign off the building, so Slappy thought they are hiring.

"Perfect. Wait out here." She lazily floated into the building.

* * *

_Tie's building_

"Welcome back from your job."

Slappy was laying on her back in her chair. Her chair was still knocked over from earlier. She didn't bother to put it back up. She just sat in the seat as if it was upright, so she was basically staring up at the ceiling. The clock was not ticking anymore, but Slappy didn't care.

"...I noticed you were hiring-"

"I forgot to take that sign down. I already hired you."

"No,"

"This morning."

Slappy mumbled for five seconds. "Oh."

Tie was not impressed. "That's why I hired you. Because everyone remembers the job except for you.

"About that, I have nausea, I'm hungry, and I have bad memory loss. Also, I have bad memory loss. Hey, what's it like to be a tie?"

Tie fell off his chair.

"Ow."

Tie righted himself.

"Let's go over your performance. You went truant..."

"Mm-hm."

"...You took your client to a building where you made him star in a sexy video... and then killed him with a flamethrower..."

"Mm-hm."

"...You got a job as a bank robber... You robbed a bank..."

"Mm-hm."

"...And you danced with the police."

"Mm-hm."

Pause. "This... is not a good job. I've heard of work mistakes, but this is just appalling. Your score is negative 0. You don't know what that is, right? I made it up on the spot while you were daydreaming in your seat to describe your performance today. I'll give you one more chance-"

"Maybe I'll give YOU one more chance.

Slappy took out her gun and shot Tie three times. All the bullets bounced off Tie harmlessely, not making him flinch or hurting him at all. Slappy still slowly fired 10 more rounds. She stopped when her ammo was 0.

"Bulletproof."

"...That is awesome."

"As I was saying, you'll get a second chance... and a third chance, and a fourth chance and even more chances after that. You see, young girl, since no one else in this small town will take this job, it means no matter what you do, you will never get fired from this job. Ever. You set for life. What do you say."

Slappy wistfully stared at the sky.

"I'm hired."

End


End file.
